And to my horror, most of our prayers that we pray as family each year still have not been answered. My brother and his wife is still waiting for their first child after 6 years of marriage, my mom is still struggling with her health, which even seems worse now, and I am also still figuring out the fuller version of me, and I am afraid that time is running out.
Such a cheerful opening for the first writing to start the new year. Life is not as happy and shining as the pictures in my instagram feed. Happiness is worth sharing to the world, while sadness in ours to bear with our closest connections.
In the last week of 2018 three women who I love and respect so much were so weak in body and mind that they barely recognised me. It has never occurred to me that I can feel so happy just hearing my mom answer to my question of," What you would like to eat?" or when she asked," How do you go back?", after I told her I will go back to Jakarta tomorrow morning.
Fading memories, how can I revive them?
What to do when all become blur and hazy
Can one forget how to feel?
My misery is I can not forget what it has been in the past
And the damn comparison cycle that keeps running in my head
Not to mention the WHY questions
I have to get this feeling out one way or another, before I start another year of journey. I still have to learn a lot from Job who was able to settle with God not giving him answer to why he had to lost all his children, wealth and health just in three days.
Had Job read the Old Testament today, I still could not predict his reaction. Would he be mad that the life of his ten children worth the Satan taunt to God? If he has not been so godly, Satan would not be interested in him and his children would still be alive.
However the bible did say that Job admitted he knew God better through his lost and suffering. How is it that he can have better knowledge of The Not Understandable? I think it will still become a mystery that I need to discover.
Happiness is not always found in the big celebration, but also in smaller milestone.
In her remembrance of me, every answer, questions that she asked even in her smile
In my trying to catch her before she is slipping away
This year gonna be the year where I am gonna embrace every moments given
When my faith is challenged with every WHY questions just like every questions Job asked to God
When I have to preserve HOPE with all my might so as not become disappointed of it
And I know You will be with me going through 2019 - which I have decided will have no new resolution.
Thank You for accompanying me while I am writing all this outburst of me and still loving me.
